Dear F20s: I’m Sleeping With My Ex-Boyfriend Who Has A Girlfriend – What Do I Do?!

Dear F20s,

I am sleeping with my ex boyfriend who has a girlfriend. This was not my intention at all, I swear! We had been dating for a little under two years and broke up six months ago.

We never really stopped talking after the break up and made plans last month to see each other to ‘make things work.’

It just felt so safe and familiar. We quickly fell into the same habits and we slept together. A couple of times.

He is now seeing someone but says it isn’t serious and he still cares about me. I have been asking him if we can pick up where we left off but he pulls away whenever I bring up getting back together.

Should I give him an ultimatum?! It’s either me or his new girlfriend.


Ms. Ultimatum

I’m Sleeping With My Ex-Boyfriend Who Has A Girlfriend

I'm Sleeping With My Ex-Boyfriend Who Has A Girlfriend

Dear Ms. Ultimatum,

There is A LOT to unpack here.

First of all, I want to say I do sympathize with what you’re going through. I think a lot of people will read this and automatically think you’re in the wrong (I’m not saying you’re not, but I understand your heartache and struggle.)

Listen, breakups are hard, messy, and take time to fully heal. You didn’t specify why the two of you broke up, but it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

One, or both of you, decided the relationship wasn’t repairable and it was time to move on.

Your first mistake here was keeping in contact and trying to make it work. I am a big proponent of no contact after a breakup so you don’t get into these messy situations.

But now that you’re here, what can you do?!

Honestly, and I say this wholeheartedly, MOVE ON.

Your ex-boyfriend is showing he’s not a particularly good person. He’s lying to his new girlfriend, he’s stringing you along, he obviously can’t have an adult conversation with you about what’s happening. It begs the question, why do you want him in the first place?!

Ms. Ultimatum, please, please, please pick up your crown and get out of this as quickly as you can.

Don’t degrade yourself further by sleeping with this man who doesn’t love you, much less, respect you.

And for the love of god – please do not offer him an ultimatum!

No good, honest, loving relationship ever started with an ultimatum. And you’re trying to restart this relationship after a breakup, affair, and ultimatum?!

It’s time to put on some Lizzo and Ariana Grande and NEXT!

Sincerely, Claudia

Honestly, I understand the appeal of sleeping with an ex. I truly, truly do.

But no good can come from this.

One thing is two grown adults having an honest and open conversation about their relationship and seeing if they can fix things.

And another is jumping into bed with an ex-boyfriend out of habit or loneliness.

But if there’s one thing I know is this: Sex is Just Sex. Don’t think that sleeping with any man will make him want you, miss you, or wish to get back with you.

It won’t happen. And especially if that ex-boyfriend you’re sleeping with has a new girlfriend.

All you’re doing in this situationship is asking for disrespect and hurt feelings.

And I refuse to believe you think that’s what you deserve.

A half-ass relationship with a man who can’t be fully there?! Girl, we need to love ourselves a little bit more than that.

Grab your girlfriends, call your mom, buy some Ben & Jerries and repeat after me ‘I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want me,’ okay?!

And I know what you’re asking yourself….

Why Is My Ex Reaching Out To Me When He Has A Girlfriend?

Honestly it doesn’t mater why he’s reaching out.

But if you want to go further down that rabbit-hole, these are the main reasons men reach out to their exes (even when they have a girlfriend)

They’re lonely

Yes. The other L-word.

Just because you’re with someone doesn’t mean you’re completely satisfied and happy.

Plenty of people experience loneliness when they’re in relationships. Just as much as single people, believe it or not.

So him reaching out to you could be less about him missing you and more of him trying to fill his own inner void.

The Grass Is Greener

The ‘grass is greener’ syndrome is a common issue among many people (men and woman alike)

It is when you are always looking at what you’re missing instead of what you have.

People who commonly get a case of Grass-Is-Greeneritis will likely always be comparing their current girlfriends to an ex. They may look at the bad qualities their new partners have instead of the good ones.

These people are likely to get nostalgic and end up reaching out to an ex.

Note: These men are likely to have been reaching out to prior exes when YOU were dating them. They are likely never satisfied and always unhappy in their current relationships.

He Wants Sex

I mean… This goes without saying in all the cases.

Your ex does not now nor ever want to be ‘just friends.’

When he says he want’s to be friends: Sex.

When he asks ‘how have you been?’: Sex.

When he sends you a meme: SEX!!

Listen. He could be a nice guy and maybe sex isn’t the first thing on his mind (but who believes that?!) but I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that this man is only reaching out to you because you represent an opportunity to get laid.

Unfortunately, men think it’s easier to sleep with someone they’ve already slept with than with someone new. It’s familiar, it’s safe, and it’s (in their minds) EASY.

So if you want to respond to his cute little ‘how are you doing?’ text, go right ahead, but don’t lie to yourself.

He has an ulterior motive. Whether that’s filling a void or sex (or both simultaneously LOL!) – I just want you to be aware.

Personally, I wouldn’t respond. But if you’re a nicer, kinder person than I am then go ahead. But please, please, pleaaaase don’t sleep with an ex boyfriend who has a girlfriend.

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